In It to Skin It

Howdy, Ms Game and Watchers. LT here with a couple of mini rants. Before you decide that your opinions are better than mine and you want to tell me so in the comments, recall that less than 40% of people are actually entitled to their opinions. xD

What's Pissin' LT Off Right Now

1: Boobs in Okami

Alright, and I'm sorry I'm too lazy to insert a picture here but you are all probably very familiar with this brilliant game released a few years ago (PS2) and recently (Wii) that is basically Japanese Mythology: The Game! I'm not here to gripe about the story, the gameplay or the script. I'm here because I didn't see the point of all the jigglage in the game. It was stupid, annoying and frequent.

The first time I played through this game I made the mother of all : [ faces at EVERY. SINGLE. REMARK your little pervert accomplice makes whenever he encounters a girl. Seriously, here's a sample scene:

Rao: So we need the Fox Rods to seal away the demons' power! Oh, Amaterasu I have no doubt you're strong enough to defeat them blah blah blah.
[Boobs]: JIGGLE BOUNCE WOBBLE TIT
Issun: WOW THOSE ARE SOME HUGE BAZONGAS! DO YOU HAVE A FOOD DRIVE FOR THOSE CANS OR WHAT! BOINGA BOINGA!
Rao: Huh? Anyway, please hurry to [location] and [do some worthless stuff to advance the story so we can get to the awesome fight with Ninetails].
[Boobs]: WHOA, LOOGOUT! NOTHING CAN CONTAIN US! WHY DON'T WE SKATEBOARD DOWN SOME STAIRS IN SLO-MOTION? A GOOD IDEA; GREAT MINDS, AFTER ALL.
Issun: HAH I just can't STAND IT! BOOBS ARE AWESOME HUH HUH Oh yeah, story stuff. Let's go do that thang. BUT WAIT LET ME SQUEEZE THEM ONCE MORE WOO HOOOO IT IS LIKE A ROLL OF TOILET TISSUE... OR SHALL I SAY, 'TIT-SUE'? HAH HAH AMMY A JOKE!

This kind of behavior continues even after Rao is shown to be actually very dead and not Rao at all. Upon returning to the graveyard outside Ankoku Temple, we visit what we think is her grave. But oh no, not one to actually have some respect for the dead, our little perverted bouncing warrior says "Aw, I bet this is where the real busty babe is buried. May she and her two best friends rest in peace forever."

COME ON.

2: BLACKIE FUNKY KONG
So, I could turn this point into a rant about Japan's hilarious xenophobia and unrealistic expectations of other cultures (exceeding normal, harmless generalizations) but it's common knowledge enough to not warrant a repeating or detailed explanation.

Having accepted (in the loosest sense of the word) Japan's attitude towards others--especially black people, I can still say this: FUNKY KONG IS ANNOYING AS SHIT.

I could be referring to any number of games he appears in, but for the sake of this rant, I'm referring only to Mario Kart Wii. Holy fuck, after you unlock him, you are subjected to his ANNOYING, 'being raepd by an epileptic jellyfish while driving' yelling and his Lil' Jon impression.

Japan, how can you do this?! How can you turn a respectable video game monkey into nothing better than a polygon-rendering of Chris Tucker at his most irritating? And STILL make a character as despicably stereotypical as perhaps Little Black Sambo (a character/book which, by the way, enjoyed a modest revival not too long ago). Only in Japan my friends.

I would provide an audio sample of Funky but here's a description instead, followed by a phonetic guide:

You're stuck in a burning elevator plummeting at 150 mph (and gaining speed!) from the 300th floor, and expect to squish in the elevator shaft's bottom at any moment. With you is Chris Tucker and he is FREAKING. OUT. Instead of his usual Rush Hour "WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE" schtick, he can only use the letter 'A' and a few consonants. So he is panicking, and sounds something like: YABLAWAAWAWANANBABABYWAWABLALAYAWANAWAWAAAAAA.

Strangely, using a red shell on this annoying asshole in a kart is not satisfying. I don't even think a blue shell would do the trick either. An atomic bomb, perhaps.

TOO SOON.